


Sherlock takes the beating

by alienmagic



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angry John, Beaten Sherlock, Gen, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 01:23:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9411233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alienmagic/pseuds/alienmagic
Summary: Sherlock’s thoughts during the beating from John in 2nd episode of series 4





	

“Who came to my flat?”

Sherlock can´t believe it. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t… But there must have been someone. Must have. Or wasn’t?

His memories are painfully turning and twisting.  

_I lost it. My God I was alone all the time._

 

He feels brittle and stupid and funny and that small monster starts laughing at him. Like they did in the school when he didn’t understand their stupid little schemes.

He is despised again. In front of John. It is unbearable. And he can´t do anything about it.

 

When Sherlock takes the scalpel, he doesn´t realize what he is going to do. His consciousness is foggy at best. It distorts the reality and Sherlock sees his own intent in Smiths like in the mirror.

_He took the knife first. Not me. I´m merely protecting myself._

“Stop laughing at me!”

_I´m not your clown!_

“Stop laughing at me!!!”

 

Pain in his hand. Someone takes him and shoves him away. Pushes him against the wall.

It’s John. Sherock’s brain slowed down and Sherlock is now swimming in thick molasses of confusion.

He looks at John’s face, absolutely helpless.

_John what is happening? Why do I remember things that didn’t happen? Have I lost it?_

 

Thoughts are so complex, emotions so strong Sherlock fails to form the words.

John gives him another shove.

_John help me. I don’t understand. John. Please. I’m lost. I’m frightened._

 

John slaps him. Sherlock immediately straighten and look at him again. Desperately trying to understand what is happening.

_What are you doing? Did I deserve it somehow?_

Words are still beyond his grasp so Sherlock just looks at John silently, his eyes pleading.

And then John really hits him.

 

Pain blooms in Sherlock’s face and he goes down. Again he at once turns back at John, searching his face.

_Why did you hit me? What have I done?_

He’s so surprised he probably couldn’t speak even if he wouldn’t be stuffed full of drugs.

 

John’s features are contorted with anger, but his eyes are speaking quite clearly.

 _You deserve this._ Reads Sherlock. _You are worthless._

 

John hits him again. It hurts like hell. Not only Sherlock’s face. The worst is knowledge John is doing this willingly, that he hates him enough to beat him like this.

Sherlock can’t stop himself from looking at John again, trying to understand what is happening. It appears to enrage John even more. He hits Sherlock again, harder than before.

And Sherlock finally understands. He almost hears John’s voice spelling it out for him. _You promised and then let her die. It was all your fault._

 

Sherlock doesn’t try to look at John any more. He hides his face and takes the beating, John now kicking him hard, using every inch of his training to make it hurt. Bringing all his pain out at him. Because Sherlock deserves it.

 _Because I promised I’ll be there for them. I made a vow. I promised her I’ll keep her safe if she stays close to me. And that precisely killed her. My idiocy killed her. John lost his wife because of me. And Rosie…_ the thought itself is so wounding Sherlock can’t finish it.

Tears well in his eyes and begin to drop on the ground.

 

John’s kicks suddenly seem to transform into purifying ritual. Sherlock deserves this. He will take everything John wants him to take.

When John is drawn away, it´s too soon. The beating didn´t clear huge guilt that pervades all of Sherlock’s body and mind. But at least Sherlock is finally able to speak.

 

“Let him do what he wants. He is entitled. I killed his wife.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> I needed to write this since I read somewhere that Sherlock orchestrated everything that happened in 2nd part of S4 and had it all under control. Because I think he didn´t. I imagine he thought it through, began the scheme and then lost it. As he (for me at least) confirms when says “I had of course several other backup plans. The trouble is I couldn´t remember what they were.”
> 
> Also I have to say this is not Terrible idea verse. In this story there is nothing sexual between Sherlock and John.
> 
> If you liked this, leave a kudos or comment or both, I´m most grateful!


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